Is it really all your fault? → A Psychologist’s take on How to Stop Blaming Yourself
April 5 2024
category: Codependency, Self esteem
Is it really your fault? A Psychologist’s take on How to Stop Blaming Yourself
author: ann krajewski, psyd
If you are reading this blog, I bet you are exhausted from feeling so awful about yourself anytime something happens. You are done with constantly feeling like there is something wrong with you any time there is a negative outcome.
You are tired of feeling terrified of engaging in relationships or saying how you really feel because you don't want things to go bad and feel like it is all your fault.
If something goes wrong, you ruminate over and over again about what you should have done - you should have said this, or you should have done that.
You shouldn't have said that one thing and people wouldn't be hating you right now.
You should have stayed at work just a little longer, then your boss wouldn't be annoyed.
Or maybe you should have changed your schedule to be able to say yes to that one person - then maybe they wouldn't have ghosted you.
Sound familiar?
Constant self-blame is exhausting and can erode the very foundation of your self-respect. But how do you stop blaming yourself when it’s become a deeply ingrained habit? In this article, I give you my insights as a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who often sees people who struggle with blame. I will help you understand why you're stuck and how to stop self-blame. The challenge is not simple. But, we’ll navigate through steps that can help shift your mind. Steps to help you cultivate compassion and respect.
Ultimately, I hope to help you get a better understanding of "Why do I blame myself for everything?"
Key Takeaways
Blaming oneself is harmful. It often comes from past experiences or trauma. It leads to continuous self-criticism and mental health challenges. Recognizing the roots and signs of self-blame is crucial to start the process of change towards self-awareness and healing.
Self-Respect is your way out of self-blame. I will discuss ways to cultivate self-respect. You can use them today to shift to a more respectful and kind approach to yourself.
Overcoming the power struggles in relationships associated with self-blame is essential for moving forward.
What are the signs of constant self blame?
If you have struggled with self-blame for a long time, then recognizing these signs might be very difficult. They might be so automatic, so ingrained in the way that you respond to yourself and difficult situations that you don't even notice them. It can also be difficult to become aware of them if you believe your self-blame. If you do feel like you deserve to attack yourself for whatever happened, it is probably hard to recognize the signs that something is wrong. You might think that is how you should be responding and so don't see a problem with it. It isn't self-blame, it is self-righteous to take responsibility for how much you mess up. Beginning to untangle this harmful beliefs and starting to recognize the harmful nature of self-blame is crucial.
Some signs of self-blame are:
Self-sabotaging
Low Self Esteem
Attributing success to luck
Over-responsibility in relationships
Seeking punishment
Extreme sensitivity to rejection
Constant Self Criticism
Over apologizing
Rejecting compliments
Avoiding conflict
People Pleasing
Difficulty trusting others
Feel guilty often
Recognizing signs is the first step. It turns self-blame into self-awareness. I encourage you to start to be curious. Observe your response to hard situations or painful emotions. This can clue you in to how ingrained self-blame is in your mind.
Certain diagnoses might also have a strong association with self blame, including major depressive disorder. If you are someone with signs associated with major depressive disorder, I highly recommend getting support through a therapist or mental health professional. It can be difficult to deal with on your own.
Why do you self blame?
We blame ourselves when we attribute failures and bad experiences to our own doing. We scrutinize every action and flaw. It’s a voice that convinces us that it’s all my fault and that we are the reason things are going wrong. It is something that can give us a sense of perceived control over what is happened and can be a long standing coping mechanism we learned to use.
We often learn our self-treatment method from relationships. Relationships that make us feel like we're always at fault are the ones where power struggles, blaming, and not taking responsibility for emotions are the main ways dynamics in the relationship.
In these, one person often shifts blame to the other and the other person accepts it. This type of dynamic tends to take root in childhood with a parent who often blamed and criticized you as a child. As a child, it can be hard to challenge your parent's blame of you. The blaming or critical parent treats us in ways that shape how we think and feel about ourselves.
This can also develop through emotional neglect. If a parent is absent or is not emotionally present, you may learn to blame yourself for this.
So as you were developing your sense of self you took on this way of blaming yourself for problems. It also becomes the way we try and cope with emotions, difficulties and relational conflicts. Your parents struggled to regulate their own feelings without blaming and so you didn't learn how to manage life without it either.
As you get older, you likely find it easy to get into a relationship where the other person blames you and you accept it. This dynamic can also go on inside of us. If you have ever struggled with depression, you know the voice. It is a strong inner critic. It lists the reasons you are to blame for your sadness or any other difficulty.
This relentless self criticism often causes other problems. Shame is one of the larger consequences of blame and criticism. It will likely cause mental health challenges, like anxiety and depression.
If someone has experienced trauma, self-blame may be a main way they are responding to the trauma and having perceived control over it. Feeling like they were the to blame for the life shattering experience they had. In a strange way, this perceived control makes us feel like it is less scary and terrifying. If we had something to do with it, then we can do something about it and hopefully stop it from happening. If it isn’t something in our perceived control, the feeling of powerlessness and terror could feel too overwhelming.
These deep patterns of self-blame are not just habits. They're a response to past experiences that get reinforced in your present. By seeing where these patterns began, we can start to break them apart. We can see them not as truths carved in stone, but as old scripts that we can rewrite.
Breaking the Cycle of Blame
As I described above, self-blame is not an isolated phenomenon. It is born in relationships. When I first start with someone who habitually blames themselves, they find it hard to see the big picture. They are sure it is something that only has to do with them - there is only something wrong with them. They accept the thought “Everything is all my fault!”
But, ending self-blame requires addressing the issues in our relationships. We can't just take on the scapegoat role.
Blame in relationships is the act of assigning someone blame for something bad or painful happening. Then the "responsible" person is expected to fix the issue. This means that the real issue is never able to be addressed.
This often starts with one person externalizing blame. They don't take responsibility for their own feelings and healing. For example, a boss could be disappointed in a person's work. Instead of facing that letdown, they come home and attack their children or partner. They blame them for their unhappiness. They find reasons to criticize them and see them with all the blame.
If this is a chronic pattern in the relationship, the attacked person takes on that shame. They feel like a failure and convince themselves they must do better. In this example, the real issue is burried and no relief will be felt until that is addressed.
If you are reading this article, I am assuming you tend to take on the position of being blamed. This might be a chronic way to respond to difficulties. You might blame yourself before the person even does (aka over apologizing).
The difficulty around breaking this cycle is that blame is usually all or nothing. If you tend to blame yourself, you might think the only other option is to blame the other person. However, this keeps you stuck in a power struggle.
It is important to find a way to take on responsibility for your part. But, you must not take on another person's part.
Another way we get stuck in self blame is by attacking ourselves rather than allowing ourselves to be angry towards others. Or have any other type of emotion that might cause conflict or tension. Allowing yourself to feel angry doesn't mean you must act on the anger in the heat of the moment. But rather acknowledging our anger can help us find a way to deal with what is happening.
It can help us reconnect with ourselves and avoid self-blame. When we reconnect with ourselves we can have more of an ability to see what is happening in the moment. It helps us face the problem directly. This is better than putting all our energy into self-blame, which is a deadend. In just a few moments of reflection, we can begin to understand and accept our emotions.
One concept that can help stop blaming yourself is to foster self-respect.
How to stop blaming yourself? Your path to self-respect
Someone who respects themselves doesn't take on the harmful emotional burden of other people's problems. They take ownership of their own feelings and the ways they contribute to issues without beating themselves up.
It is important to remember that it can be easy to shift from the blamed to being the blamer. Instead of taking on all the blame, you might then blame others. You might think that change can only happen if they change. This will just keep you stuck.
Instead, take ownership for your wellbeing. Respect the power you have to create a healthier home, in and out of your head.
Here are some of my top ideas of how you can begin to shift from self-blame to self-respect.
Self-Compassion is your healing BFF
Self-compassion is the art of being kind to oneself and is key to healing. This study showed that self-compassion was helpful in reducing self-critical thoughts. This study shows the effectiveness of developing self-compassion as a way to manage effects of childhood emotional abuse and neglect.
The importance of learning to be self-compassionate is clear. But you might wonder how someone develops self-compassion? This means changing your inner voice from a harsh critic to one that can accept your feelings and reality without attacking.
Deep compassion doesn't come easy for those stuck in the blame cycle, but practice can help shift this. Practice self-compassion by:
honoring your limitations and taking breaks
writing down the self-critical voice and responding with kindness
visualizing negative thoughts as passing clouds
self-compassion meditations or mantras
In essence, self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same unlimited compassion you would offer to someone you deeply respect. It’s a powerful therapeutic tool that lowers the stress hormone cortisol, regulated your nervous system, replacing it with a compassionate response that nurtures your mental health. It is also an important part of self-respect.
Honor Your True Feelings
When you're feeling blame, think about where those feelings came from. Maybe a passive-aggressive comment did it. Or an unreasonable boss request. Or a critical remark about your appearance. Instead of automatically accepting blame from yourself or others, try and think about what you might actually feel about it. Are you angry? Sad? Dissapointed? Disgusted? Scared?
Getting clear on how you are feeling can then help you figure out what you need to move forward. It gives you data on what you need, which then can help you take responsibility for your own self.
For example, maybe your go to response to feeling angry is to self-blame. Instead of blaming, encouraging yourself to acknowledge your anger and be curious about it could help you see that there is a boundary being crossed. It shows that something needs to be addressed. Being clear on this can then help you figure out what boundary you need to communicate.
As you get better at honoring your feelings, it becomes crucial to communicate them without directing blame at others or yourself.
Instead, find a way to express your feelings that is clear, direct, and free of blame. This builds self-respect and trust. It also reduces the chance of acting out in ways that leave you feeling guilty. And, it stops self-blame.
Honoring and addressing your feelings helps dismantle the blame cycle, allowing you to respect those feelings and ultimately reduce self-blame. It invites accepting your emotions with compassion. It fosters a nurturing environment where self-respect can flourish.
Acceptance as a way out of the power struggle
The power struggle inherent in self blame often positions us falsely as the one who can change the situation. However, this could quickly flip and then we are left feeling that others are to blame and hold the real power to make those changes.
The way out of this power struggle is through acceptance. This means accepting others' hurtful actions, acknowledging your anger, sharing your feelings without expecting others to take responsibility, and so on. Practicing radical acceptance involves recognizing that certain situations cannot be changed.
It also can help you refrain from harsh judgements on yourself and others when problems arise. This leads to self-acceptance and self-love, allowing you to break free from the chains of blame and power struggles.
Acceptance is not giving up. It's realizing you can't control others. But you can control your response and self-treatment. Accepting reality frees you from the tiring battle for power. It paves the way for true self-respect and well-being.
Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries is key to self-respect. They show what actions and duties are okay. They also ensure you don’t take blame that isn’t yours. It is important to establish and maintain clear boundaries in order to nurture a healthy self-image.
Doing so also helps protect against undue self-blame. You need to reassess your boundaries often. This is important to make sure they keep serving your well-being. Learning to assert your needs is critical. It redirects anger from you and gives space to breathe, reflect, and align with your values.
Embracing Mantras
Positive affirmations can reshape your internal dialogue. But, they can be hard for those who blame themselves.
Mantras, on the other hand, can be more approachable, such as “I am learning to respect myself, and this is not respect”. Or "I have been here before and blaming myself didn't help. What can I do to help myself?"
When you begin to notice your self-blaming voice, try and repeat your mantra to yourself. It isn't always easy to completely get rid of your self-blame but trying to create some space for a different response to emerge can be really helpful.
Releasing statements, like "I’m letting go of shame and guilt," can help detach from self-judgments. They help us adopt a more forgiving attitude towards ourselves. This attitude ultimately combats false beliefs.
Seeking Support in Therapy and Friends
Seeking out help can be an important part of getting out of the blame cycle. It is important to seek relationships that will help you move away from blame. Friends that can help challenge us to take responsibility but also realize when we are taking responsibility for others. Sometimes friends can become protective and can automatically blame the other person.
While it is important to be able to see that you are not the only person contributing to an issue, shifting to the other extreme isn't helpful. But, if your friends have extreme responses, this may show you that you are in a codependent or abusive relationship.
Finding a therapist who can help you take an honest look at yourself and the situation/relationship can be helpful to detangle what is happening.
Begin working on your low self esteem
If you constantly blame yourself, then you most likely have low self esteem. If you feel like you deserve to be blamed and deserve the shame and self-criticism that comes along with it, then you view of yourself is probably very low. To begin to stop blaming yourself, it can be helpful to understand why it is so easy for you to convince yourself you deserve that blame. Healing your sense of self can begin to give you the strength to start pushing back on this narrative that you are to blame. That you are so bad that you ruin everything.
Learning to respect yourself and be self-compassionate will help you begin to change this narrative you hold about yourself and will make finding another way of responding to life's problems without the need to rely on self-blame.
Figuring out how to stop blaming yourself is complex and you deserve to have someone helping support you during this process. It takes practice but your mental health is worth it.
Hi, I am Dr. Ann Krajewski and I am a Licensed Psychologist that specializes in anxiety, perfectionism, codependency and low self-esteem. I am passionate about helping people begin to untangle harmful dynamics like self-blame so they can begin to live a more fulfilling life. If you live in Washington State, Virginia, or Washington DC and need help with self-blame, please contact me today.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why can't I stop blaming myself?
Self blame is often a chronic pattern of taking on the emotional burden of all the responsibility for a problem or difficult emotion you or someone else is having. This response was probably learned early on, which means it is ingrained in the way we see ourselves and others. This makes it hard to even notice we are doing it.
Self-awareness is key to change and so if you can't see your self-blame you probably will struggle to stop. Self-blame is also not an isolated dynamic. It is often reinforced in relationships, where one person is the blamer and the other is the blamed. If someone tends to shift blame on to you, you will struggle to let go of it without addressing the harm in your relationship.
How do you cure self-blaming?
To cure self-blaming, must become aware of why you are self-blaming. Self-blame is often an avoidance of a deeper more painful dynamic goign on . Understanding this will help you start to address the real issue. Then, you won't put all your efforts into fixing yourself, which will keep you stuck in the blame-cycle.
Self-respect is a key aspect towards healing yours self blame. This includes self-compassion, honoring your true feelings, setting boundaries, and fostering radical acceptance.
What exactly is self-blame, and how is it different from taking responsibility for my actions?
Self blame involves attributing personal failures solely to oneself in an unhealthy and exaggerated way, leading to persistent self-criticism and mental health issues. On the other hand, taking responsibility is constructive, focusing on growth and learning from mistakes. Self blame keeps you stuck and makes you focus on yourself, while taking responsibility helps you move forward and address whatever problem is coming up in the system you are in.
How can I tell if I'm caught in a self blame cycle?
If you find yourself constantly criticizing your actions, feeling responsible for negative outcomes beyond your control, or experiencing persistent feelings of guilt and shame, you might be caught in a self blame cycle, which often manifests as an internal voice that is your own worst critic, leaving you feeling overwhelmed and stuck.
Another sneaky way it comes up is if you find yourself constantly people pleasing or avoiding saying or doing what you want. If you struggle with self blame and want to do everything in your power to avoid that blame, then you probably focus your actions on making others happy and doing whatever you can to please them. Doing something to upset someone is probably a big trigger for your self blame and so heavily relying on these avoidance mechanisms is a big sign.
